Regret
by pineapplefreak
Summary: Sometimes I wonder how I let my childhood slip away. This isn't really a story, it's more just my feelings that were brought out by this movie. Does anyone else feel this way? TEENS AND UP, LITTLE KIDS DON'T READ!


**I don't really know what this is. It's not a story, It's not a one shot; I guess it's my confessions, sort of? My feelings? Just a way to get it all out? I honestly have no idea. But go ahead and read it, I guess. WARNING: IF YOU ARE A LITTLE KID DON'T READ THIS. TEENS AND UP. IF YOU DO ANYWAY, DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!**

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There are a lot of things that I regret in my life. Most of them are stupid things, little arguments or things I missed out on that I really wish I hadn't. But my biggest regret is that when I was a child I was so looking forward to being an adult- especially a teenager- that I didn't stop and enjoy the moment and appreciate the magical time of innocence that is childhood. And now my childhood has slipped away, and I would give anything to have it back.

What brought on this sudden realization? Well, it started back in November, when I saw the commercial for this movie called Rise of the Guardians. I remembered thinking, oh that looks cute, but I didn't really have a desire to go see it. No, what I wanted to go see was Wreck It Ralph. So I was bugging my mom about it for weeks, and eventually we found time to go see a movie. However, we couldn't make it to any of the showings of Wreck It Ralph, but there was a showing for Rise of the Guardians, so my mom suggested we go see that instead. I figured we might as well. Something to do, anyway. And we did.

Little did I know what I was getting into.

It had me from the very first scene. The animation was absolutely _incredible- _that was the first thing I noticed. But that was just the beginning. I swear I didn't blink for half the movie; I wanted to take everything in. When it was over I walked out of the dark theater into the moonlit night in a daze. I was silent for the whole ride home, because something about what I had just seen had struck something deep inside me- I just hadn't realized what it was yet. And that was the start.

I still haven't seen Wreck It Ralph, and I find I don't really want to anymore.

As the days went on and I continued to live my normal life, I found my thoughts constantly wandering back to that magical place. Usually after I see a movie it just sort of fades to the back of my mind, but for some reason that wasn't what happened with this one, even when I tried to force it to.

Why was I fighting it? Because I was a teenager now, and I just didn't care about those sorts of things anymore. That's what I told myself. I wasn't allowed to care. I had to grow up, forget about those childish things, and leave behind belief in the impossible. I had to get my head out of the clouds and face reality.

But I still couldn't forget, and so I decided to face the problem head on by going to see the movie a second time. It was the only time I went to see a movie in the theater more than once. I took my friend, and it was even better the second time and _God _it was amazing. Then she pointed out to me how adorable Jack Frost was and, well, that didn't help at all.

It was quickly turning into obsession, and I found myself more and more often staring into space during the day and daydreaming about how I would have done a particular scene or how I would have shown a certain character's personality or how I would have made this character more imposing or this character more likable or how I would have given this character more airtime or how this scene could have turned out if things had been just a little bit different. And I realized I wanted more, that this hour and a half long movie just wasn't enough for me. So I turned to fanfiction, and that was what cinched it. There was no going back now.

I read people's interpretations of characters and found out their back stories, and this made me see everything in a whole new light. I wanted to go out and see the movie again and again, but I was trying to keep my love of it hidden from everyone else. After all, I didn't want everybody to see me as an immature, childish girl who lives in her fantasies. Every time I tried to talk about it with my family or friends, they always gave me this look like, _Grow up. It's an animated kid's movie._

So, very discreetly, I dropped hints to my parents about how much I would like this movie by having conversations with my little sister within their hearing range about it, only I always made it seem like I was only doing it for her benefit. _You want to talk about the Easter Bunny? Oh, alright, I mean if you really want to… _While on the inside I was all like, _Yes, I would love to talk about Bunny! And all the rest of them too!_

And it worked, too. On Easter morning I woke up and found a copy of the movie in my basket. Again, on the outside: _Oh, that's cool. This is a cute movie. _On the inside: _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!_ Although from the looks I was getting from my mom, perhaps I wasn't as discreet as I thought.

And I realized that the reason I was so completely in love with this story was because it took me back to my childhood, back when I went to bed on Christmas Eve straining to hear bells in the sky, when I put my teeth under the pillow very carefully so that they wouldn't be damaged, when I got up early on Easter just so I could sneak a peek ahead of everyone else of where all the eggs were hidden. But now… now that magic is gone. And I so desperately wish I still had it.

I think that's what we all want deep down, really. A little magic in our lives. Because, let's admit it, we all want to believe in something bigger than ourselves. Just to know we're not alone.

I was ten years old when I learned the truth. It was a few weeks before Christmas when my mom sat me down and told me. And that was when I knew that it was time to leave childhood behind, to mature and face the harsh reality of the world. But I still felt a little empty.

Is it wrong that, even though I know the truth, I still want to believe?

Is it wrong that I open my window at night sometimes and just sort of talk to myself, just in case there's someone that I can't see, someone who's lonely, who might be listening?

I haven't had a nightmare in such a long time, and I'm glad for that, but it's been equally long since I had a real, meaningful dream. The last one I had was right after I saw the movie, when I dreamed I was flying high above the earth with nothing holding me up but the wind and the soaring of my heart. I can barely ever remember my dreams anymore, which is sad because they used to be the place I could retreat to when everything in my life was messed up.

In a way, I wish that Dreamworks had never made this movie, because it has grabbed my heart and it refuses to let go. And I tell myself, _You have to move on. You have to grow up. You can't live with your mind in a place that doesn't exist._

But another part of me says, _But what if it does?_

And that same part of me never wants to forget that feeling of childhood, the feeling that anything is possible and that magic surrounds me every day. That part of me wants to grab those memories and never let go, wants to dream my life away, wants to stop and stare in wonder at every little thing, wants to hope in even the most impossible things, wants to throw all my cares away and just have fun all the time. That part of me has always believed; it still does. And it always will.

But maybe that's not such a bad thing. After all, how dark would our lives be without the memories of happier times, a healthy dose of wonder, hope for something better, dreams of the most beautiful things, and a little fun to shake things up every now and then? Very bleak indeed.

So I guess what I'm saying is, to all of you out there who are grown up and wish you weren't, keep a little bit of the sparkle of childhood in your hearts. I think you'll find your lives a little richer because of it.

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**I think I mostly put this up for my own benefit. But does anyone else feel this way or is it just me?**

**EDIT: Wow. Apparently not. To my reviewers: I feel you! Especially Emma Overland-Frost and Ninuhuju. Emma, you have no idea the impact your words on had me and I thank you for that. And Ninuhuju, I really, sincerely hope that you get that snowball fight one day :)To everyone else: Go ahead and pour your heart out to me. You know you want to, and you wouldn't be the first. And there is absolutely ZERO judgement here!**

**ANOTHER EDIT: You guys are making me cry, I'm serious. But not as much as I'm making you cry, apparently. God, I had no idea. If you're one of the people who hide your feelings away but is secretly longing to be asked how you feel, consider yourselves asked. And I, as a friend (who in actuality is a complete stranger, but no matter), will keep your confessions in my heart.**


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